Happy Birthday Dear Leader

It is almost Kim Jong-Il's Birthday, and strangely enough one of my goals when I leave the Military is to go to Pyongyang as a tourist. Why Pyongyang? Why not, I am interested to see how a total cult of personality has been able to control one country for years, rendering every citizen a loyal unquestioning citizen believing in the Juche ideal. I know several people who have been and they say it is one trip you will never forget (It will tough to beat my Mongolia experience.) Actually a couple of my fellow journos have invited me along to the Chosun Soren festivities tomorrow, which as much as I want to attend won't be able to, as I would have a hard time explaining things to my current employers. Not only did I look forward to free food and beer in honor of the dear leader, i could have met all the representatives from some of the more dodgier countries with embassies in Tokyo, I had actually planned on passing myself off as the Japan correspondant from the Daily Rhodesian, Southern Africa's most respected news daily. So what if Rhodesia ended it's existance over 20 something years ago. Anyhow here's a good link if you want to watch the daily newscast of N Korean TV. Even if you can't speak Korean it's good for a laugh. Damn I'm missing out on free beer.

www.elufa.net

What to do later on in life.

I am coming up on 9 years in the military, 9 years. it doesn't seem like its been that long but it has been one incredible whirlwind from kicking boxes around Aviano Air Base to travelling across Mongolia in a land cruiser with only Yak's and Camels the only other thing out there. I never thought I would be in this position of really having to decide what next, as I really will have to make some hard decisions in the next year. I love this job, I do and I could be anywhere doing it, the broadcasting community is small, and full of interesting individuals something that makes wherever you go a really good assignment. At the same time, I wonder if I should go the civilian route as I have talked to quite a few people who tell me with my resume I can work anywhere. Here's the factor, I just want to stay overseas. No big surprise but I don't want or plan to return to the US to live, I don't want to. One thing positive about the military is a retirement check at 20 years. while it's not the end all catch all, moving to Malaysia or Thailand and opening a bar is one of those little things I would seriously consider as I will more than be able to do it provided a few things don't happen between now and then. so maybe 13 years from now if you see me in an Irish pub in Kuala Lumpur, chances are I own it. No matter what though I will plan everything out. thoroughly.

Horie, Bobby, and The Man

It's been an interesting week in Japan, first and foremost everyone is still talking about the arrest of Takafumi Horie the now former CEO of Livedoor, Japan's premier IT company or I should say former premier IT company. Seems there are some financial irregularities and because of that Livedoor was first raided by investigators and then later Horie was arrested and taken to Jail for questioning with an avalanche of interesting news to follow in the when it rains it pours style. Livedoor did this livedoor did that, all week long you can't avoid what live door has done, of course all of the networks have been showing thier past interviews and shows involving the man especially the shows where he shows what his billions of yen have bought. And of course it wouldn't be a Japanese program if they didn't show what his prison cell looked like and analyze his menu of delicious jailhouse food...Oishii! Ahhh it is funny, how everyone is crucifying the man even the LDP have apologized for having him run as a party candidate in the last election, a seat he lost. Having been arrested though he now is truley qualified to run for the Diet.

On the other end of the spectrum we have Japan's favorite Nigerian, Bobby who's whole schtick on TV is playing the dumb foriegner who constantly makes mistakes in Japanese while speaking in a buffoon like accent, almost like some have called it a modern day minstrel show, which isn't far off the mark. The Japanese love it so much they do blackface imitations of him on other TV shows. The sad thing is he speaks perfect Japanese and seems to be a smart guy. This week like Horie he spent some time with the Police after apparently going crazy in his promoters office, tearing the place apart as they let the cameras in to see, a story which BTW knocked Horie's plight out of first place on Fuji's 5:00 news program. Ahh bobby what were you thinking. He had a press conference on Friday to apologize for the troubles he caused and cried, which should be recieved as a sincere apology and allow him to keep shuckin and jivin in his broken Japanese across TV screens from Hokkaido to Okinawa.

Back to watching more TV.

What's on the Telly......

I love Japanese TV, I do, the shows really do show what the country can truley be like. Tonight is just one of those nights. Over on Fuji Terebi, there is the 2006 Rookie Announcer special, Announcer is the term for a pretty girl who doesn't have to think about the news she is reading, and the special pretty much confirmed it. My favorite is the games part where the girls had a tumbling contest, and the winner after a few other matchups of the same nature won a trip to Canada. Then there was another highlite, a pannel of girls was matched up with very rich Japanese Celebus(anyone with an assload of money and no taste...like the Hiltons, not just Paris the whole family) as a video showed us what thier millions and billions of yen have bought; boats, helicopters, 4 room apartments in Roppongi Hills residence, basically the things most these girls would like, no make that love to have by just marrying one of the men and looking pretty and neither working nor using thier brain. So they have a quiz after all the look at my toys part, and the winner gets to send a phone mail to the Million...I mean person she is interested in to ask them on a date. Our heroine and winner being half Mexican, half Japanese asked her man if he would like to get together for Tacos and Tequila (no doubt at his place) He promptly said no...ouch in front of the entire nation. I love watching these shows, it just shows that being a vapid, louis vuitton purse carrying, whiney girl at age 27 is what the men want. Well some men.

How Not To Get Arrested In A Third World Country

If you love to travel, and by that I mean do something other than a Contiki tour of Europe or go on a Princess Cruise with you Grandparents, then chances are you will find yourself spending time in a third world country. It doesn't matter which one because go to one and you'll find they are all the same regardless of the continent. You can't drink the tap water, you have to buy a 70 dollar "visa" upon arrival at the airport or border crossing that was just 10 dollars 2 months ago, the places you'll sleep will be of questionable construction, and chances are there will be a picture of the "dear leader" staring at you wherever you turn. On the upside the beer is cheap, the weather is usually warm, and you can get great knock offs of Levis 501's or Diesels for the price of breakfast at Denny's. Spend enough time in the third world and you will without a doubt become friends with the countries finest, the local police force, the men in charge of serving and protecting the peace, while at the same time giving the foreign vacationers a little extra attention. You know what I mean, someone in uniform who wants to see your passport and finds its "out of order" or stops you while you are riding that scooter with your girlfriend on the back because you were "speeding" or riding "in an unsafe manner." It could happen to you, it most likely will, the clue is how you deal with the powers that be, something not taught in Law Schools around the world or dealt with in "responsible" publications like lonely planet. So here it is my own 2 centavos on how to deal with local boys in blue.

1. Always have a smile on your face and a non confrontational manner, trust me this is how you get things started, just nod and act friendly and things will wind through the usual path of questions as the officer explains what local law you have just violated.

2. Don't argue the facts, he has the ill fitting uniform, questionable badge and more importantly the gun on his belt. just ask if there is anyway you can pay the fine on the spot, it's the PC way of offering a bribe and chances are he will say yes.

3. Have Five dollar bills ready to go in your pocket so you don't have to take out your wallet and show how much money you really have. As long as it's green has a dead U.S. president on it and bigger than 1 dollar, he'll take it, after all it's probably bigger than his monthly salary sadly enough.

4. Flattery, Flattery, Flattery, it always does the trick if they don't like and look for complements then why would most third world police uniforms have all kinds of shiny shitty accoutrements all over the shirt.

5. Memorize the name of key people in the country you are visiting, learn the name of local senators, ranking officials in the national police force, anyone the copper would know and you necessiarly wouldn't. Thanks to the internet the names are easy to find and it's more convincing to drop that the deputy national police chief is a friend of your fathers rather than use the President, Prime Minister, or Dictator of the country you are in unless they really are, then you wouldn't be worrying about this would you. Example, "Wow I am embarassed this is happening, my Father is friends with Colonel Dominguez and when he finds out and tells my father I'll be in trouble." try it at least once and you'll be surprised of how soon you are walking away with no problems.

These are the basics.....you really shouldn't need anymore than this, if you do then you probably just got caught with 5 kilos of drugs ala Corby and are truly F&^%ed, in that case be ready to call the Embassy.

A Finger Licking Good Christmas

Tis the season once again, and that means its time for the tree, the wreath, the stockings stuffed with treats and candies, and if you live in Japan your traditional Xmas eve Kentucky Fried Chicken dinner. That's right, while some may be used to a nice roast with the trimmings in Japan nothing says Christmas like a bucket of the Colonels finest by the light of the yuletime fire. It's a big deal too, you can't just stroll in all willy nilly expecting to buy a Christmas Meal from your local KFC, no sir you have to reserve yours up to a month in advance. While I do enjoy KFC every now and then, this year I'll stick with the roast

Here's the details in case you want your own, its Kentukee Cureesmasuu Meeru in japanese in case you wondered.

http://www.kfc.co.jp/xmas2005/

Hard Gay, Japanese Hero

Right now the one thing I am addicted to on Japanese TV is Razor Ramon HG otherwise known as Hard Gay......the guy is awesome and his skits are funny. Imagine if you will a man in the Hard Gay get up from the village people running around Japan, helping old ladies cross the street, getting kids to eat thier veggies and protecting women from men of questionable charecter. That is the genius of Hard Gay, pure entertaining comedy. My favorite so far is when he is trying to get Yon-sama to recognize him. I have included a link to a lot of Hard Gay clips, they may take a while to load, but trust me it's worth it.